Chapter 1
Some events leave scars. They mark time, changing life as you know it into something unrecognizable. Death split my life into two periods—before Charlie and after Charlie.
That morning I woke up crying without knowing why. Dread followed me through the day. It needled at my thoughts until I succumbed and acknowledged that someone I loved would die before the sun set.
“Tessa Marie, we need you to come to the hospital. It’s your uncle Charlie,” my great-grandmother Mae said over the phone.
“Is he all right?” I knew the answer.
“No, child. He had a heart attack and is on life support. The doctors are talking about turning off the machines. Please hurry. We’re at Florida Hospital on Rollins Street.” The call disconnected. My great-grandmother must have lost cell service. Her impeccable southern manners wouldn’t have allowed her to hang up without saying good-bye.
“I’ve got to go.” I sprang from the bed, searching for my discarded clothing. Sex had been my last-ditch effort to shake the feeling that someone would die. It hadn’t worked.
“I’ll wait here until you get back.”
“Ian, get up. You can’t stay here.” I pulled a T-shirt over my head.
Ian threw the blanket off and tugged on his jeans. “What’s going on?”
“My uncle is on life support. This can’t be happening. He can’t die. I need him too much. I just talked to him this morning. He sounded fine. There has to be a mistake.” I slipped on my flip-flops and headed for the door.
“Let me drive.” Ian jangled his keys.
I wanted to tell him to stay put, but I didn’t feel like driving.
We rode in silence for a while before Ian sighed and turned on the radio. A disembodied voice reported the murder of a young mother and the possible kidnapping of two small children. The victim’s mother had found her daughter’s body in the kitchen earlier that day. The children hadn’t been located, and the police had yet to release any names. I drew my knees to my chest and prayed for both my own family and that of the murdered woman.
“Want me to come in?” Ian eased the car to a stop.
I studied him for the first time since the call had ruined our alone time. Wide-eyed, he rubbed his palm on his thigh and shifted in his seat. His expression puzzled me. I couldn’t tell if he was worried about me or if he feared I would actually ask him to come inside. We’d dated about three weeks—if hanging out during happy hour and having sex at every opportunity counted as dating. Come to think of it, we’d never had a proper date.
“No, I’m fine. Thank you, though.”
Ian exhaled and grasped the steering wheel. He started to pull away before the car door even shut. Actions spoke louder than words, and his actions screamed.
I stood on the sidewalk and gathered the courage to walk into the hospital’s lobby. My skin prickled as I passed through the glass doors. I turned and found the woman behind the welcome desk glaring. Under the puff of cottony white hair, two dark, beady eyes fixed on me. The woman wore a blue vest with a colorful badge that proclaimed her status as a volunteer. Her lips twisted in disapproval. I wondered, What have I done to offend her? I resisted the urge to rush up the escalators in order to avoid the sour old woman.
Behind the welcome desk was the hospital gift shop, filled with flowers and balloons. The contrast between the not-so-welcome desk and the happy little gift shop made me grin. I squared my shoulders and walked to the desk.
“Can you tell me what room Charles Nokoseka is in?”
“Nokoseka? How do you spell that?” The old woman glared at me.
I spelled the last name for her, exaggerating the pronunciation of each letter. I knew the drill. It wasn’t my last name, but I’d spelled Nokoseka a million times. The woman typed in the name, looking between me and the screen.
“He is in ICU Step Down. Only immediate family members are allowed to visit.” For some unknown reason, the little old lady had an issue with me.
“I’m his niece, but he raised me . . .” What the hell? I didn’t have time to argue. I needed to find my uncle.
“You’ve missed visiting hours.”
“Considering they called me to pull the damned plug, I don’t think visiting hours are going to be an issue. Tell me where he is.” My outburst surprised us both. I didn’t care.
I hurried to the escalators, then took the metal steps two at a time. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I needed to get to my family. Something was wrong—more wrong than the fact that the man who’d raised me was fighting for his life at this very moment. I rounded the corner to the Step Down unit and stopped.
Two large men stood in front of the elevators, blocking the hall. Their size didn’t strike me as much as their ponytails and sharp features did. They could’ve been members of Charlie’s tribe, coming to pay their last respects, had it not been for their tight expressions and stiff postures. They were angry, very angry.
I turned and went in the opposite direction until the elevator pinged. I counted to ten and doubled back toward Charlie’s room, pausing in the hallway. At least twenty family members had gathered in the waiting room, including my mother. At that moment, I would rather have gone up against the two big guys in the hall than face down my family. I should’ve guessed my mother would be there. Even still, it struck me like a punch to the gut.
All eyes turned to me when I stepped into the waiting room. I scanned the faces, searching for my great-grandmother or great-aunt, but found neither. The television in the corner caught my attention. The newscast reported on the story of the murdered mother. Pictures of the young woman with two small children flashed across the screen. The police urged the public to call with any information regarding the whereabouts of the kids.
Hearing the story on the radio had tugged at my heartstrings. Seeing the children’s faces yanked them out. “Shit.”
“Now, darlin’, that is something we do, not something we say.” The sweet southern drawl and gentle chiding made me feel like I was eight years old. Gram Mae had told me the same thing while standing in her vegetable garden. The second time I cursed in front of her earned me Ivory soap for mouthwash.
I bent down to hug Mae’s short, round body. Gram Mae had grown up in abject poverty but behaved like a southern lady. She grew her own tomatoes, drank her tea sweet as cane, and could drop a deer, or a whiskey, in one shot.
“How is he?” I cringed, wanting to believe Glinda the Good Witch would swoop down in her bubble and fix all the wrongs.
“Not good, darlin’.”
“Can I see him?”
“He’s waiting for you.” Mae took a firm grip on my hand and led me away from the wide-eyed family members. Gram Mae didn’t have that determined look in her eyes often. They all knew to get out of her way when she did—everyone, that is, except my mother.
Chapter 2
“Tessa! Oh, I’m so glad you came.” Darlene rushed toward me with arms outstretched, her heavy makeup ruined with twin black streaks. A well-used tissue hung in her hand as she reached for me. Sure, now she acknowledges my presence. Long ago, I would have sold my soul for a few moments of my mother’s attention. That ended around the time I turned ten.
Mae shook her head while Darlene pretended not to notice. I sidestepped the unwelcome hug and mouthed “Sorry” to my angry-faced mother as Gram Mae dragged me toward the door.
Darlene narrowed her eyes. “Tessa thinks she’s too good for us.”
A knot tightened in my stomach as family members surrounded my mother. They cooed and petted her, agreeing with everything she said. Little did they know how hard I’d fought to achieve a sense of self-worth. I’d struggled for years to overcome the pain of my childhood and to recreate myself. My family, like my southern accent, proved impossible to overcome.
“Trauma drama,” Gram Mae whispered as she ushered me down the hall. “Don’t let them shake you. They come out when there’s blood or money on the line.”
I forced myself to ignore my family. Truth be told, my real family consisted of the three people who weren’t huddled in the waiting room. Gram Mae, Uncle Charlie, and Aunt Dottie had raised me. My mother came to collect me a few times, promising things would be different. The visits always ended sooner rather than later, and I found myself back on Dottie and Charlie’s doorstep.
The second I entered his room, tears sprang to my eyes. I covered my mouth to stop the scream rising in my throat. I wanted to run away, to go home to Charlie’s house and visit over sweet tea. I wanted him to tell me everything would be all right.
I hugged Aunt Dottie. When had my vivacious aunt grown old and frail? How long had it been since I’d sat with her, watching soap operas and eating macaroons? I turned toward my uncle, and my knees went out from under me. As they’d done my entire life, Dottie and Mae steadied me until I could stand on my own two feet.
“We’re going to be right outside,” Dottie whispered, and patted my shoulder.
My mouth fell open, and I shook my head. Before I could form a word of protest, they left me alone with my uncle and several large, noisy machines. Each step toward him felt like a monumental accomplishment. I sat on the edge of his bed, transfixed by the gentle rise and fall of his chest. His jet-black hair had grayed, and the smile lines on his cheeks had deepened. “I’m sorry I’ve been away so long. I promise I’ll take care of Dottie and Gram Mae for you.”
Memories flooded me as I placed my hand on top of my uncle’s. I remembered being a tiny girl and setting my hand against his, measuring my small fingers against his larger ones, marveling over how pale my skin looked next to his.
My green eyes searching his dark brown eyes, I’d ask, “Am I Cherokee?”
“About half, I reckon,” he’d reply.
I’d crinkle my nose and giggle. “Which half?”
“Your color is white, but your stubborn is all Indian.” He’d laugh in his deep, good-hearted way and kiss the tip of my nose.
I would have given my life to hear that laugh again. “I need you. Please stay with us.”
A soft sound filled the room—a whistled melody that reminded me of both nature and Uncle Charlie. I thought I was imagining it, until I recognized the tune. He whistled it while working in the yard, or when one of the tribe came for healing. I’d never asked about those visits, though I always knew he served as the tribe’s medicine man.
The fluorescents overhead flickered and hummed, causing my temples to throb. I pulled back the heavy drapes, and sunlight flooded the room. I would have opened the window, but it was bolted shut. At least I’d given him sunlight. I knew Charlie appreciated the effort.
The whistling began again. I focused on breathing. Inhale, one, two. Exhale, one, two, three. Inhale, one . . . I’d seen spirits before, but never the spirit of someone I loved.
A fresh breeze caressed my cheek, and my eyes flew open. I couldn’t see the spirit as much as feel it. I closed my eyes again, and lips kissed the tip of my nose. “There you are.”
“And here you are, little flame.” Charlie’s voice sounded distant, nothing solid to hold on to. Still, it moved with life and warmth. “Your aunt and great-grandmother are in danger. Crows will come for my notebook, to learn my secrets. Our secrets. Go get my cedar box and take it to Dr. Hicks in Gainesville. He will help you.”
“I don’t understand. Who would want your box? What secrets?” I stopped talking and focused on the more important issue. “Don’t leave us. Please. You can’t die.”
“Some things cannot be changed; others can. Listen to me.”
A cold sweat broke out across my brow, and I felt faint. Maybe my blood sugar had bottomed out. I’d skipped dinner in favor of having a flat tummy during the roll in the hay with Ian. The added stress was causing me to hallucinate.
“Tessa, tell Dr. Hicks you’re my granddaughter.” His voice drifted, lost to alarms and beeps.
“What? Great-niece. You meant great-niece, right?”
Doctors and nurses filed in. Dottie clung to the door frame with Mae.
“Dottie?” I couldn’t move, let alone form a sentence.
A nurse ushered us into the hallway, directly into the crush of family. Someone shouted, “Tessa pulled the plug.” Others spoke all at once. By far, Darlene’s voice rang the loudest—my mother accusing me of killing my uncle.
“Come with me.” My great-grandmother tried to shield me from the mob. Dottie wrapped her arms around me, whispering calming words. I couldn’t breathe. I struggled free of the embrace and ran away from my mother’s acrid voice. No matter how far I ran, the continuous monotone beep of the monitor echoed in my ears.
